My friend Elliot is the best at everything, especially music.

What I don’t understand about askmen.com

Okay, I get the articles that are about football, hockey, exercise, or other shit where the author’s gender has absolutely no bearing on the validity of the article. But why the fuck would you go to a website called “askmen” to get advice about women? You don’t think women would know more about their own gender than a bunch of bros who think the friendzone is a real thing? And why would you ever click on an article entitled “Books That Impress Girls” even if it’s actually written by a woman? You know not all women like the same books, right? Like, you know how some people like tomatoes and other people don’t like tomatos because sometimes people have differing tastes and opinions? Well, women are kind of like people; there’s even been some research lately suggesting women actually are people, so some of them won’t give a shit that you spent three months reading Ulysses. 

I’ve talked to a lot of dudes about dating and things that confuse me, and all of those conversations have revolved around the theme of “I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.” It’s incredible to be able to have friends with which you can share those insecurities and know they’ll be just as candid with you in return. But askmen.com seems to try capitalizing on that insecurity by offering up shitty, misogynistic advice that paints women as a members of a pre-programed collective that can only be “won over” by a very specific set of tricks, manipulation, and Ralph Lauren outfits. That stuff might work occasionally, but if you have to resort to deception a self-remodeling to have a conversation with someone you’re attracted to, you probably need to rethink the kind of person you’re attracted to.

Anyway, this is getting super long, and it’s not like anyone’s going to read this, but the people who will give you the best dating advice, the best self-improvement advice are those who actually know you and/or know the kind of person you see yourself ending up with, NOT some douchebag with an editor’s account at askmen.com and some shitty buzzwords that blanket over an entire gender.

I have two years of being an asshole to atone for in the next 26 hours

So this stomach virus better give me extra forgiveness.

I think everyone deserves a two-year grace period once they start trying to become romantically active before you can get frustrated with them and explain that wallowing in your loneliness and acting like an ineffectual, querulous butthead isn’t going to fix whatever it is that’s preventing you happiness. So I’m really happy that Charlie Brown is getting all of that sadness out of the way before high school, where everyone will think he is cool because he plays sports. Although, he’s pretty bad at sports. And even more although, he has not aged in 60 years. Seriously. He’s like the kid from “The Tin Drum” except minus the magical powers, the Italian girlfriend, and the extremely violent streak.

Well, hopefully eventually Charlie gets his shit together, starts acting more like his dog, discovers Rogaine, and moves to a town where nobody knows his wishy-washy roots.

When Harry Met Sally and Nice Guys

I thought I’d actually write something for my whopping eight followers because I made a really big mint julep (and it was delicious) and I read a lot about this “nice guy” syndrome last night while I got drunk and watched “When Harry Met Sally,” so I just feel like blabbing about how a “nice guy” could misread the whole movie and make it seem like a justification of their weird combination of misogyny, virginity, self-worship, and weirdo, stalker insecurity that makes them obsessed with any woman (or man, but I haven’t heard of the “nice guy” bullshit working its way into homosexual relationships; maybe most gay dudes just all have their shit together) who is the angelic combination of “not unattractive” and “pays some attention to me.” Anyway, I decided to make a list of incorrect and correct interpretations of this movie, because I am clearly and authority figure on film and relationships.

Incorrect interpretations:

  1. Harry ends up with Sally because he is a nice guy, so eventually, if I keep being nice to this girl who I only became friends with because she is pretty and I want to be with her, she’ll eventually realize she loves me and then Rob Reiner will do an on-camera interview of us.
  2. Harry ends up with Sally because he is an asshole and girls always go for assholes.
  3. Harry ends up with Sally at the end because he calls her obsessively and leaves, like, a billion voicemails which makes her realize that he really cares about her.
  4. If I befriend this girl I’m actually attracted to, eventually she’s going to be distraught and vulnerable which I will then take advantage of help her get over with my aptitude for vagina pleasures, because I’m such a nice guy.
  5. Harry talks to Sally under the pretense of friendship, but actually he’s been in love with her for over ten years, and has never stopped thinking about her, and that thingy, which totally isn’t obsession, is what leads to them falling in love at the end.
  6. Men and women can’t ever be just friends.

Correct Interpretations:

  1. Mr. Moustache and Princess Leia have a pretty common and functional relationship, so I should look more towards them for guidance than I should towards Harry and Sally.
  2. Harry and Sally actually are just friends for a while. They treat each other like friends, too: they don’t buy each other gifts; they hang out because they enjoy each other’s company; they don’t feel entitled to each other’s undivided attention just because they’re nice; they don’t get moody or jealous when the other person has a date. Or course, all of this kind of ends halfway through the movie in the first New Year’s Eve scene when they very quietly realize how comfortable they are dancing cheek to cheek, which is an unwelcome realization to both of them, who immediately try to forget about it.
  3. Yes, sometimes best friends eventually simultaneously realize they truly, deeply love one another. But sometimes only one realizes they love the other, and sometimes they just stay friends. But any relationship of any type is doomed to fail if it’s built on false pretenses (i.e. you’re just trying to get in their pants, not be their friend) or if one of the people involved is too immature to even be honest with themselves about what you want. That shit’s not really expressed in the movie, but it’s a pretty goddamn important point.
  4. Sometimes it’s hard to be just friends with someone who you developed unrequited feelings for, and it’s completely understandable if you then feel like you can’t be around that person anymore; it’s your right, and that’s almost exactly what Sally is doing when she starts ignoring Harry and his phone calls. But you’ll notice that she isn’t a complete dick to him: she doesn’t insult him, try to make him feel guilty, or attempt to shatter his self-esteem, because a person who genuinely cares about someone doesn’t try to ruin that someone’s sense of self  when they get rejected.
  5. If the only compliment you can give someone, if the only nice thing you can say to someone is, “You’re really nice” or “You’re so beautiful” or any other kind of bullshit compliment that anyone could just pull out of their ass and are relevant to 90% of the population, then you don’t know that person well enough to have ANY kinds of feelings for them, platonic or otherwise. The reason the New Years scene at the very end of the movie is so incredible is because you know Harry could have stood there and said 1000 different, random things he loves about Sally that are entirely unique to Sally and only things that Harry could actually say to her. It doesn’t come across as artificial or desperate, and while generally giant declarations of love to someone who you are not in a romantic relationship with or who doesn’t seem to share those feelings is generally a HORRIBLE idea, the circumstances surrounding the declaration in this movie make it work and not be weird that it works.

Anyway, I’m not a real authority on relationships or dating. I’m not even an authority on telling the truth. But I do know that if you want a genuine relationship with someone, your best bet is to be genuine with yourself. You should never find yourself asking “How can I be the kind of person this other person wants?” because that just means you don’t belong with that person and would have no fucking clue what to do if you actually did start dating them. And again, on the off chance you did end up with your pipe dream date, then you’d have to maintain the same subterfuge and false kindness you used to get into the relationship in the first place. You’d be completely exhausted and miserable while you were dating, which would cause you two to break up, which would make you even more miserable than you would if you just, I don’t know, took a fucking second to realize that you didn’t belong with this person and instead find someone who you can be yourself around, who can be his or herself around you. Fuck, dude, emotions are super duper, but use some god damn sense and restraint before you dress your dick up like a heart and start calling it “Kindness.” 

Did you know

that “Ayn Rand” is an anagram for “not a feminist” if you ignore a bunch of the letters or just kind of think about it after reading her stupid books?

Someday I will be this handsome. Probably.

Someday I will be this handsome. Probably.

Ohhhhh. So THAT’S why everyone has a crush on Zooey Deschanel.

Ohhhhh. So THAT’S why everyone has a crush on Zooey Deschanel.

(via dapperchild)